Just The Way I'm Not
by Kindleheartzyou
Summary: "My dearest Belle," the letter started. "By the time you read this, I'll have been taken care of. I don't know who's going to catch me, if I'll even be caught. But I didn't want to leave you without saying goodbye.."


One hundred and eighty-nine. That's how many footsteps she took to go from the town line, where she'd banished her husband - forever - to get back to the pink - it's salmon! she heard in her head - house she knew as home. Or at least, that's the only home here in Storybrooke she's known. She could have, she supposed, gone to her father's house above the florist shop.. But it didn't seem right. Not after everything that had happened. And surely, all her father would have done was gloat and praise her for banishing her "True Love" forever.

And she couldn't deal with that - because she didn't feel happy about doing it. She felt heartbroken, but she knew it was the right choice - for everyone else, if not for her. She couldn't have let Rumpelstiltskin.. crush Hook's heart. She wasn't that type of person. And she'd never be that person - ever. I'm strong. I can do this. She told herself, straightening herself up as she went upstairs, ignoring the grumbles of her stomach. She didn't want food - she just wanted to collapse and cry.

Once upstairs, Belle went hesitantly into the room she'd shared with Rumpelstiltskin. She took a harsh breath as she took in her surroundings. She couldn't, wouldn't, start to regret her decision now. She'd done it and it couldn't be reversed.. She thought, at least. If she could reverse it, would she even want to? Probably, she thought. Already, she missed Rumpelstiltskin - her Rumple - with all of her heart. What was he doing, she wondered, how was he coping? Was he as heart broken as she?

She inhaled harshly once more when she noticed it. On her side of the bed, there was a note laid on her pillow. She recognised her name on top of the letter, written in Rumple's careful handwriting, and oh, her heart ached. She shouldn't - SHOULD NOT - read the letter. But curiosity got the better of her, inching her closer to the letter and the bed. She sat down hesitantly, and took the letter in her shaking hands. Belle French-Gold, it read. Oh, that.. that dunderhead! She had changed her name completely to Gold when she married him, but he refused to let go of "Miss French."

My dearest Belle, the letter started. By the time you read this, I'll have been taken care of. I don't know who's going to catch me, if I'll even be caught. But I didn't want to leave you without saying goodbye.. Belle, you've been my light - my strength - and my heart since I traded your father for you. I would have never had the strength to let Regina cast the curse without you - I'd have wanted to, certainly. That was planned long before you came along - But I wouldn't have done it. Not then. I'll let you on a secret, my Belle...

The words became blurred as tears came crashing down from Belle's eyes. She didn't know why she was doing this to herself, maybe it wasn't for her - It was for Rumple. Yes, that would make sense. She was honouring him, mourning him properly. She continued reading at the place where she'd left off. While in the beginning, the curse was meant to lead me to Baelfire. You know that. But as soon as you'd come along, I knew that you'd be my True Love. I knew that, eventually, we would want to kiss. So instead of being able to get rid of my curse - and, love, I would have wanted to, but I'm just not that strong- I would set another curse to be cast, to take us to a Land Without Magic, to take away all happy endings. All happy endings, except.. ours. Belle, you've got to believe me, it was my intention to have you as my happy ending for as long as I've known you.

Belle began to sob as she she read on, her heart aching. Why had she done this? He had been begging, pleading her to listen to him... And she hadn't. She couldn't read anymore. She stood up, and praying to all the deities she knew that it'd work, she went to her purse and took out the dagger. It still had Rumple's name on it, written in silver lettering. That had to be a good sign, had it not? She just wanted him, she knew. She didn't want him to go, or at least.. Not without her. "Rumpelstiltskin, I summon thee." She shouted, her voice cracking.

Minutes passed by. More and more minutes ticked away until finally, finally, Belle heard a creak at the end of the hallway. "Yes, mistress?" the deep brogue of his accent never failed to make her heart melt. "You called for me," Rumpelstiltskin drawled when she didn't respond, coming into view and leaning against the door frame. "Rumple," Belle sobbed, her eyes filling with tears at the sight of him. His cane was his lifeline, she noticed. Oh, Gods, what had she been thinking? "Only my wife calls me that," Rumpelstiltskin snapped in response. He looked at her with a steely gaze for a few moments, before a flicker of recognition was noted in his eyes. "I am your wife! It's Belle, Rum." Belle cried out, looking at him hesitantly, her cerulean eyes filled with tears.

"So you got the letter." Rumpelstiltskin intoned, his gaze sweeping across the room. It looked relatively the same, except he was sure he hadn't seen so many tear stains on the bed beforehand. "Yes, but I- Rumple, please." Belle stood finally, crossing over to him, taking his hand in both of hers. "I love you," she whispered. Rumpelstiltskin looked wearily at her for a few moments before responding, "I know. I love you too. That's the problem, Belle!" his voice carried throughout the house, and she couldn't help but take a step back, letting his hand drop back to his side.

"How is our love a problem?!" Belle shouted in return, her voice a world of hurt at the prospect. "Your love has made me weaker than I need to be! I wasn't going to kill Hook, but did you stop and ask me that?! No! You didn't even let me say goodbye to you, for fuck's sake, Belle!" Rumpelstiltskin roared, his amber eyes filling with angry tears. "Rumple, I- I'm sorry. I should have let you explain! I know. Just.." Belle trailed off, unafraid to say it. She bit her lip. Rumpelstiltskin looked at her critically. "Just what, Belle? Out with it." he snapped.

"Tell me I ruined everything, that you don't love me, and I.. I'll go away." She whispered. "But, Rumple, I swear. I'll never stop loving you." she swore. "Belle... For the longest time, I believed love was weakness, or triviality." Rumpelstiltskin began. Belle looked up, her eyes filled with hope. "But then I... I met you. You showed me that love can be a weakness, but more than anything.. It's strength. Belle, you're my strength. I'll love you forever, even after that, I'd guess. But, Gods, Belle. What were you thinking?" Rumple asked, his voice a harsh whisper.

"I don't know, Rumple.." she took a chance and leaned in to his hand, which had come up to cup her cheek. "Rumple, I love you. I don't know what's going to happen, but.. No one but us knows I banished you. We can pretend like I never did, or in public at least, if you're too mad for it to be in the past yet." Belle offered weakly, her voice sore from crying so much. "You didn't go straight to Moe? Or Emma and the Charmings?" he asked in amazement. "I couldn't." Belle said. "They'd congratulate me on finally getting rid of you. But I hadn't, not really. I hadn't gotten rid of you, because you-you lived on in my heart. I couldn't listen to them complement and praise me for something I regretted instantly." She continued.

Rumpelstiltskin took a step forward, hesitant as ever. Belle took a step forward, too, as if giving consent. He closed the space and their lips met, meshing together as one to finish the argument in the way they were apt to do - Both keen to forgive and forget themselves in each other.

* * *

 **CROSS POSTED ON ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN**

 **FOR THOSE WHO HAVE A FACEBOOK, I AM ONE OF THE ADMINS OF A GROUP CALLED Rumbelle For The Win. YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN, WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW MEMBERS!**

 **LOTS OF LOVE, KINDLE**


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